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Monday, February 5th, 2007

(slut me open)

Subject:potatoes are neat
Time:9:24 pm.
Mood: calm.
Tyce is working late tonight and kenz took off about 5 mins after she found out school was called off to spend the night at her cousin's. So, i have had a nice evening of catching up on my computer (that i miss dearly)at my mom's house. since me and tyce got the apartment i havent moved it yet. with this weather i'm sure it will be awhile. so, i read old e-mails, checked up on some profiles, and most importantly downloaded some more music into my ipod, cuz i was getting real bored with what was in it.
I like our little place alot, kenz seems to as well. it is very cozy and i am able to sleep much better there. everything is less stressful and happier there.
I am tentatively planning a trip to Japan next year and trying to prove to everyone that i am serious and it's not another one of my ideas i get really excited about and then forget about like a toddler.
I've also made a very unexpected new friend. It's nice to have a silly girl in my life to laugh with and be crazy with again.
I really want to go see the new Hannibal movie on friday.
Pan's Labyrinth was great.

Sunday, August 20th, 2006

(slut me open)

Time:12:56 am.
I fell asleep the other night and i dreamt of him and there was no strife or anger. everything was peaceful. he was with someone new and i was happy for him. she was away somewhere and i had spilled something on my pants, i think, because he let me borrow her denim capris.... we were at his house and they were in a dresser... i was slightly pleased they were a lil large on me but that was the closest thing to negativity in the dream.. i felt no anger or resentment only regret for the way things ended and a need to mend. enough time had passed that scabs had formed... not even scabs, but faded scars.... ones so pale you almost forgot they were there. i forgot the anger and the hurt feelings and the ugly thing that happened and the words that could of stopped it (even though they couldnt of) but that i wanted to hear...and we both apologized w/ out ever saying sorry... and the only person that now connects us was there but we werent doing it for him. it was for the fact that we forgot the anger and the hurt or even the indifference, but we remembered the thing that put us in each others lives to begin with. the thing that i cant remember in consciousness now, but i know there was a reason we spent so many hazy drunken nights in each others lives. absent from the dream was how ugly and permanently it was terminated. only thing remembered was that there was a reason that people find each other and need each other for those time periods... i woke up feeling so relieved ... and then so sad when i realized it wasnt real and would probally never come to fruitation... and all the anger and hate i have held for so long is as dead as the life we spoke of and the one we ended.
I am done burning bridges. i held so many people so dear to me and then i am wronged and i live as if they were never important to me, but i silently mourn. no one can live up to my expectations, but i have stopped looking at people so innocently. i am not without errror, so it is unfair for me to expect it from others. maybe it is because i am happy now and in love, but i am having a really hard time remembering what was so ugly, and i can only remember what attracted me to wanting these people around me in the beginning. i want to make amends, not because i want people back... because what i needed from them then i wouldnt need now, but because they were there when i was a mess and self-destructive... and i know those i surrounded myself with at the time enjoyed the co-dependance, but i want them to know i am ok now and i wish them well.
and no more shall we part

Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006

(slut me open)

Time:1:03 am.
Tyce is in Vegas for the week and I miss him so much. I have been holding my breath for three days now. This is the longest I have gone w/out seeing him the whole time we have been together (besides the Vegas trip last year). I'm bored out of my mind. Good thing I bought the 5th season of Six Feet Under to pass the time while he's gone.

not much else to update.... work's good (got another raise... yey for me) kenz is good (birthday on sunday)... everthing in life is really good right now. Oh, and we got NIN tix, but I am more excited to see Bauhaus. Yep, that's it... back to Six Feet Under.

Tuesday, March 7th, 2006

(slut me open)

Time:10:21 pm.
So that might be it. I let it overtake everything for so long and now it is probally over. I let it eat my idenity and my convictions. I gave it a real effort this time and it still failed. I think I'm just not cut out for it. Nobody is honest. Not to the raw degree I need in my life anyway. There are always lies and little secrets. Cowards and frauds everywhere.

Tuesday, November 29th, 2005

(slut me open)

Time:3:41 pm.
I Wont Fall: i had a horrible dream about you
nemesister57: oh yeah? i had a dream my sister had a weird little nub of a penis and edward norton kept calling me
I Wont Fall: i was walking past your street, etc and i remembered you died...
I Wont Fall: i guess some bf i never met stabbed you to death and i just was overwhelmed with this feeling of missing you...
I Wont Fall: and i grabeed your mother to say if she ever needed help with kenz, etc to grab me...
I Wont Fall: and i hugged her and we just started crying...
I Wont Fall: and all i could think was "i dont know what that mutherfucker looks like to be pissed at him". like i couldnt even find who he was to kill him, etc.
I Wont Fall: i woke up sweating and crying
nemesister57: my mom doesnt hug!
I Wont Fall: yeah, thats encouraging to my story, and you arent dead and santa isnt real and?? it was a fucking dream
nemesister57: thats pretty disturbing
I Wont Fall: what is? that she doesnt hug? i know! whats her problem
nemesister57: i am ordering a shirt right now that has a mudflap grrl on it reading the scum manifesto
I Wont Fall: ?
I Wont Fall: thanks for these lil moments we share...
I Wont Fall: awesome, that definatly helps me forget about my dream
nemesister57: i'm not quite sure how to respond to ur dream
I Wont Fall: ok, this is like talking to someone having a diff conversation...
I Wont Fall: later gator
I Wont Fall signed off at 3:37:57 PM.

Monday, November 28th, 2005

(1 sucked my scar | slut me open)

Subject:That pornirific girl is me....
Time:9:41 pm.
So, I'm walking around my mall doing some xmas shopping on a break... and I go in this new store and there is a pair of pants that say "apple bottoms" on the butt. This might be the funniest thing i have ever seen. It is officially tyce's new nickname.

I am having a really hard time being able to tell if I am overreacting to situations... I get so angry that I can't think straight. I'm much more affected lately that I usually am. Or maybe just by him. I blew up tonight. I just can't stand always feeling like an afterthought... or sometimes not even a consideration. I can't tell if I expect too much or I am just too forgiving. Somehow I always wind up feeling at fault.

I think my entire staff hates me. I need to hire a new assistant manager, so if anyone knows someone over 18 w/ retail experience (preferably management) please let me know.

Ok, "project time" people.... Can anyone recommend some good books and new bands that I might like? I need something new to get passionate about. thanx.

Thursday, November 17th, 2005

(4 sucked my scars | slut me open)

Time:1:47 am.
Looking over past entries i realized everything i write about is trite bullshit. I use this journal as a tool to update my friends, that i don't keep in touch with much anymore, on what is going on in my life. I guess I have forgotten how to use a phone. I have lost touch w/ alot of people i care about. It happens so easily... too much time goes by and it just seems awkward to reconnect. I am not good at the random "hello".
I use to hate how the people in my life always seemed to latch themselves onto me and absorb themselves into me. I thought they were weak. Now I am losing myself into somebody else and I think I am realizing tonight how unhealthy it might be. I am developing an inferiority complex that is quite out of character. I am like Frankenstein throwing the little girl in the river. I discover beauty in something and I suffocate it. When you watch a documentary on Dahmer and feel empathy you know its time to change something.
All the things I think I want are for the wrong reasons or out of fear. I contradict everything I believe in. I know the way I want to live my life and the ideals I want to uphold, but I fail constantly. The only thing ever left is integrity and I have a very slippery grasp on it lately.

I love him so much that i am going to destroy it.

Friday, October 29th, 2004

(3 sucked my scars | slut me open)

Subject:Don't Worry... Guaranteed Discretion... In the Story of My Life You'll Barely Get a Mention...
Time:7:08 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Is it not my right to decide who is or is not in my life? I believe it is. If you are mean to me, make me feel bad about myself, or are just all around not a positive influence in I or Kenzie's life then I will cut you out pretty quick. Do not be surprised or angry. I do not owe anybody any fucking thing because of the way you THINK you feel about me. If you love someone you want them to be happy. Conditional love is for little people with little lives. I will no longer apologize for not being what YOU need me to be in your life. I do not catergorize people. If I care about you your presence is enough... I don't make demands on anybody, so don't do it to me. Obsession and fixation does not equal love. I swear to god if one more person uses the word "love" as a weapon to me or my daughter I am going to stab you. I am cleaning fucking house. Thank you.

On a lighter note... I am anxiously awaiting the one person I still enjoy being around to pick me up. In two short hours I will be downing Jager like I am getting paid for it. Good times.

Kenzie is all better, I on the other hand have lost some of my hearing in the other ear. I no longer think it is from the spill down the stairs, though. I think I have a head cold of some sort.

I bought my Skinny Puppy and Le Tigre tix yesterday. More good times.

As a foot note I should also add that despite the above I have some really incredible people in my life who treat me beautifully and I hope they know how appreciated they are.

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

(3 sucked my scars | slut me open)

Subject:Yeah, I Know I Got a Screw Loose... Just Meet me in the Bedroom...
Time:8:15 pm.
Well, its been an interesting few weeks. I am still working the same dead end job... keep saying I am going to leave, but haven't really been actively looking for something better. I did get a raise, but I still don't make enough. I am on vacation right now which is a beautiful thing.

Cinema Wasteland was at the beginning of the month. It was as crazy a time as can only be expected. Climaxing with me smashing a bottle over some girl's face. There was also a terrifying situation w/ me and David Hess (Krug from "Last House on the Left") in the elevator. He is one creepy guy.

While at a party saturday night I was knocked down a flight of stairs (accidentally) and now I can't hear out of my right ear. I thought it would just go away but it hasn't. If I wake up tomorrow and it is still like this I am going to the doctor. It is starting to scare me really bad.

I am in a new relationship now. Things seem to be going very well. He is very kind, smart, and fun to be around. Now if only outsiders what quit telling him horrible things about me everything might work out very nicely.

I saw the genitorturers last night for the first time. I have always wanted to see them, but everytime they come I have had something else I had to do that night. There are so many good shows coming up soon I can't even contain myself. Le Tigre next week... Skinny Puppy and Manson (the Columbus show) next month... and tons others I am forgetting. I went to Pittsburgh two weeks ago to see Thrill Kill Cult/ Ministry. Hanzel und Gretyl played too, but we got there to late to see them unfortunately. Pittsburgh is the worst city on Earth, but I had tons of fun anyways.

Kenze is sick right now w/ something that won't go away... the doctor told me last week there is nothing I can do but give her motrin... well, it doesnt seem normal to me for a child to run fevers for over a week... if it keeps up I am going to take her to the hospital tomorrow... she can't keep missing school she is going to fall behind. We can kill two birds w/ one stone anyway... I can get my ear looked at.

Saturday, October 9th, 2004

(slut me open)

Time:10:21 pm.
Megan Peterson. wow my favorite riot grrl of them all. She is one of my favorite people for sure. and I love her. I respect her cunt and all the power it has. She owns it. She does what she wants, says what she wants. LOVE IT. When I met her I said "count me in". Now me and her are great friends let me tell you. The kind of friends that you wouldnt expect. We do lots of things... infact there isnt much we havent done... am I proud of that? OF COURSE. If I had to get drunk with anyone it's her. If I had to marry anyone, it's her. She will be the first womyn president. Better believe I'll be in that oval office with her.

I miss you, Jimmy!!!!

Saturday, September 4th, 2004

(slut me open)

Subject:...The Skin of my Emotion Lies Beneth my Own...
Time:5:04 am.
i am turning 25 in less than two weeks... a bit too old for the identity crisis i seem to be tailspinning into... i miss the days of having teen angst to blame everything on...

i am single for the first time in... ever? strange... although there always seems to be a stand-in in some capacity or other

everything is changing lately... for the better it seems... soon to find out.

random thoughts... i have the greatest friends a person could ask for... my daughter is the most incredible person on earth (and the funniest)... sex is disgusting and humans even more for the way they use it... i hate money and debt and discussing it... i love the women i work with... texas terri is my new inspiration (hey, we all need one) if you don't know who she is you need to find out www.texasterri.com ... go buy "night of the demons" on dvd (you won't be sorry)... cinema wasteland is around the corner (get on board people)... drinking is making me lazy and ugly... guilt is a useless emotion saved for us mothers and catholics.


Friday, July 23rd, 2004

(slut me open)

Time:2:40 pm.
Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
1. music score: 10
2. ghost world score: 8
3. punk score: 8
4. writing score: 8
5. movies score: 7
6. the doors score: 7
7. the cure score: 6
8. nirvana score: 6
9. sex score: 6
10. velvet underground score: 6
11. david bowie score: 6
12. halloween score: 6
13. coffee score: 6
14. photography score: 6
15. concerts score: 6
16. depeche mode score: 6
17. joy division score: 6
18. goth score: 6
19. smoking score: 5
20. sleeping score: 5

Type your username here to find out what interests it suggests for you.

coded by ixwin
Find out more

Monday, June 28th, 2004

(2 sucked my scars | slut me open)

Subject:remember when your phone went dead? well, that was me on the other end.....
Time:3:21 pm.
Mood: complacent.
I never update anymore because my modem blew. I am at the library right now. I keep meaning to go pick up a laptop, but I never have time. Actually, I guess since I am just sitting at the library right now I do have time, so I guess I am just lazy. Not having internet is weird. I have lost touch w/ alot of my friends. So, if you are reading this I probally miss you and you should call me.

I haven't been up to much lately. I haven't updated in 3 months, but not much has changed. I've seen some good shows (Prince, The Butchies, etc.), but nothing good is on the horizon at the moment. Courtney Love isn't playing Ohio which is depressing. Anyone want to go to Pittsburg to see her w/ me? I went to Cinema Wasteland in April. That was an interesting time. I met everyone from the original Texas Chainsaw Masssacre and some of the cast from the 2 following sequels. Also, Peter from the original Dawn of the Dead. The highlight was the elevator ride w/ the clown from house of a 1,000 corpses. Oh, and coming out of the bathroom to a round of applause and hooting, but that's another story. It was a weekend of mayhem and debauchery soon to be repeated in october. look out.

I flew to Georgia again to see Shamus for Memorial day weekend. He'll be home soon for a couple weeks.

I work for a bunch of nazi's. I am looking for a new job. I interviewed w/ hot topic to be a manager at one of the new stores they are building. It seemed to have gone well. I went to the wedding of my manager and at the reception my district manager told me (AFTER hitting on me all night showing me her tits and trying to get me to sleep over) that I will not be promoted in my home store. That I would have to go be store manager of midway first. NO thank you. The store I work at is ghetto enough. I need to go back to school. An actual career would be a nice change.

Thursday, March 4th, 2004

(5 sucked my scars | slut me open)

Time:5:14 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
I haven't updated in ages... lots been going on actually... here are the highlights (or lowlights, depending)...

-Kenz had to have an MRI about 2 weeks ago... her pediatrician feared she might have a neurological disorder. Thankfully, that came out clear. The disorder would of caused her toe-walking. Since that was not the case...

-Kenz had surgery yesterday. She is in leg casts from her toes to her knees on both legs. She is recovering amazingly well. She was already trying to walk last night. She has special shoes w/ the casts, so that she is able to walk in them. She has not even needed to take her pain meds all day... she is such a lil' trooper.
Also, her two front teeth fell out, which just adds to her pathetically adorable look. You can't even look at her w/ out just wanting to hug her.

-This past weekend I flew to Georgia to see Shamus. We had a blast. I miss him even more now. We got matching lil' Tim Burton spider tattoos on our wrists. I can't wait to go again. We're tentatively planning having me fly out there again for Memorial Day weekend.

-I saw Cyndi Lauper a few weeks ago... that was amazing. I have always wanted to see her live. I went w/ ripmeinpieces which made it even more fun.

-I got Prince tix!!!! yey!!! I think they are pretty good seats too.

-I got my haircut and highlighted/lowlighted... I'm a pretty foxy chick now... rawr

That's all I can think of... I need to update this more... does anyone still read this?

Sunday, January 4th, 2004

(slut me open)

Time:1:42 am.
Maybe getting drunk on new year's eve and trying to make out w/ my female boss was not the best career move...

Shamus is in Georgia now

Friday, December 12th, 2003

(slut me open)

Subject:My baby is home!!!!!
Time:2:10 am.
Mood: lonely.
Shamus is home.. weeeeeeeee

Tonight he is having "boy's night", so Kenz and I had our own lil' "girl's night". My mom took us out to dinner then we drove around so Kenz could look at xmas lights. Kenz and I came home, drank hot cocoa, and played "memory".

Now she is in bed and I am bored.

Adam might be coming out tomorrow to visit Shamus and I. I hope he is able to.

Shamus & I went to the MSI show last week w/ Jim. I love that kid to pieces. We have alot of things in common. Hope we can hang out more often. Especially when Shamus leaves and I'm all lonely again :(

As of January first I will have insurance again!!! I haven't had insurance since I was 19. I really need to get a check-up, glasses, see a dentist, etc.

I am still trying to finish up my xmas shopping. After Kenzer leaves for school in the morning I am going to do some shopping w/ my mom. I really want to get it all finished so I can just relax and enjoy the holiday.

I miss Shamus and it's only been 8 hours since I saw him.


Monday, December 1st, 2003

(1 sucked my scar | slut me open)

Time:9:03 pm.
Mood: sick.
I haven't updated in a long time... I have been working a whole alot... I forgot how rough it is to work retail during the holidays... 10 hour shifts, ew.

Ok, here are the highlights...

-Duran Duran rawked my sox off. I was able to sneak a camera in past security and took two rolls of film... some of the shots came out really good.

-I got Manson tix for 12/30

-I have my xmas shopping probally at least half done... I am making pretty good money this xmas, so I have been able to get Kenz sooo much stuff. She'll be most excited about the new bike and the gameboy advance SP. I am going to pick her up a dvd player w/ my next check. I went to the early bird sale at Toys R' Us at 6am the day after thanksgiving and I spent about $300 in 15 mins!!! I got some really good deals, though. Her presents are piling up so much they are getting hard to hide. She is nearly done now. I need to finish shopping for my mother, my niece, one of my nephews, Shamus, and Stephe.

-Shamus is coming home tomorrow night!! I am so excited. His flight comes in late tuesday night, so I actually probally won't see him until wednesday. Conveniently, that is my day off. I haven't seen his since July. I'm a little nervous and I don't know why.

-Work is going good besides the fact they made us wear pajamas the day after thanksgiving to promote ur PJ's sale. I felt like an idiot. Oh, yeah... slippers too.

-I have a cold that won't go away :(

-I went to my nephews Reconciliation at our church tonight (yeah, that's right... I'm catholic). It was pretty cute... he had his first confession. I forgot my camera on top of my television and didn't get any pix :(

I keep dreaming that my teeth are falling out... I know that is symbolic of something, but I don't remember what... does anybody else?... it's slightly disturbing. I used to always dream my hair was falling out and I'd wake up in a panic feeling my head. The teeth dream is a litle more unsettling though.

My new Tim Burton figures (from "The Meloncholy Death of Oyster Boy & Other Stories) that are sitting next to my keyboard make me happy.

I'm going to go lay in bed watch a dvd and try to sleep my cold away.

Sunday, November 2nd, 2003

(1 sucked my scar | slut me open)

Time:11:48 pm.
Mood: sore.
I refused to go to Midway Mall... for a few days I was afraid I was fired, but everything worked out. My district manager was actually really nice about it. I get to stay at my store and I am promoted to fulltime. Woohoo, that means insurance and 401K now. All the girls were really excited that I get to stay. I really like all of them alot.

The last few days were alot of fun... on thursday Kenz went to the circus w/ my mother and since I refuse to attend them (I'm deathly afraid of clowns, circuses abuse their animals, and I'm terrified the elepants will stampede), I went to the KMFDM show instead. Underground records gave me 2 free tix for promoting for the upcoming pigface show. I went w/ inkyfingas. lucidogen and his friend met us there. I also saw ripmeinpieces, but only briefly :(... I have never gotten to see KMFDM live before... they sounded great.

Friday, I volunteered at Kenz's school to help w/ her halloween party. I made the cutest little treats for the class... it was these round metallic pumpkin holders filled w/ candy, stickers and glow in the dark scorpions... I spent 2 hours on them and they turnded out super-cute. I helped walk the kids around the school in a parade to show off their costumes, played "halloween bingo" (kenz looooves bingo), and went to the gym and played other halloween themed games. After we got home and ate dinner I took Kenz, my 2 nephew, and my niece trick-or-treating. They WALKED house to house and wanted to stop 10 minutes early because they were tired! What's wrong w/ these kids?!?! When I was little I RAN house to house and wouldn't stop until all the houses turned off their lights and I didn't see any other trick-or-treaters out!

Afterwards Kenz's father picked her up for the weekend so inkyfingas and I headed to the Phantasy to see the Filament 38/Decoded Feedback/Razed in Black show. That was a really good show too. I got there a little too late to see F38, though. I have seen Razed in Black on a few other occasions, but I have never gotten to see Decoded Feedback before. I got lots of good pix at each show... can't wait to get them developed.

Saturday I was kinda tired, so inkyfingas and I just went to see the director's cut of "Alien" when I got off of work. Afterwards he just dropped me off at home and I went to bed.

I was discussing Frida Kahlo w/ my sister the other day and my daughter walked in the room... she goes "Oh, I know her... she's the one that was hit by the bus"... and then proceeded to tell me all about her... I was floored. Her first grade art teacher taught them about her. This was very surprising considering what a controversial artist she was... w/ her lesbian affairs and often offensive & uncomfortable subject matter. I am very impressed w/ her school system for allowing this to be a part of the curriculum.

My feet hurt... I gotta quit wearing huge heels to work.

Friday, October 24th, 2003

(slut me open)

Subject:see how compatible you are w/ me....
Time:3:56 am.
vnvptf2012 106%
bryagh 91%
xlovebullet 85%
How compatible with me are YOU?

(1 sucked my scar | slut me open)

Subject:...and the Man w/ the Golden Gun Thinks He Knows So Much....
Time:2:23 am.
Mood: disappointed.
Shamus is getting to come home for a whole month in December. We decided we are going to get married while he is home. Then he will go get everything situated in Georgia and Kenz and I will move down in the summertime when she completes the first grade.

In the meantime, I'm biding my time and working alot. I have to go to Tower City and open the store on saturday... this will be fun because I haven't been trained how to and I will be by myself. One of the girls had to write step-by-step instructions on a piece of paper for me. I can't believe they are making me do this, but there isn't anyone else who can.

I am also getting transferred to Midway mall and I don't want to go there at all. I really don't want to have to quit this job. I really like it and I really like the girls I work with (at my current store), but I have a feeling I might be jobless again next month. I am going to try this Midway thing out for about a week ot two and when it doesn't work (which I know it won't) I am going to ask my district manager to put me back at Great Northern... If she won't I guess I will have to put my 2 weeks notice in. Why couldn't they just leave me alone at the store I am happy at?

I have the day off tomorrow and I am volunteering to help at Kenz's school for their "Halloween Family Fun Night"... That should be pretty fun. I am volunteering next friday for her in-school halloween party also. Halloween is my favorite holiday and I always have a blast at her school parties.

I got my Duran Duran tix this past saturday!!!! I am soooo excited!!! I can't wait to go!!! I think it is sold out now. I was at ticketmaster the second they went sale... there was no way I was going to miss this show.

I am going to the KMFDM show on thursday w/ inkyfingas. I have been waiting for the past month to see what my work schedule for that night was so I'd be able to go... I get out of work at 5:30pm, so I'll have plenty of time to get down there. I have to pass out some promotional stuff for Pigface's United Tour II that Underground Records sent me... some fliers, promo cd's, posters,etc. lucidogen is probally going to go and he said he'd help me pass the stuff out. Kenz is going to the circus w/ my mother that night.

I saw the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and was surprised by how much I liked it. It was much better than I thought it was going to be. I am such a fan of the original TCM that I was sure I was going to hate it. I bought the new special edition dvd of the original that same day. There is also a remake of Dawn of the Dead coming out soon. It looks like it might be pretty good also.

inkyfingas came over after work all excited because he bought a huge box of garbage pail kid cards off his boss for $20... then he spent like 3 hours organizing them while I cleaned my room, talked to Shamus on the phone, and helped Kenz w/ her homework... then I cooked us all cheeseburgers and he watched a little TV and curled up and went to sleep in my bed... he's still sleeping there right now as I type this... he's so adorable like a little kid... he's all tuckered out from playing w/ his cards, hehe.

He's gonna yell at me for posting that.

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